


Even If No One Else In All The World Understands

by aegicheezu



Category: GacktJOB, Jrock, X JAPAN
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 15:13:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13192776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aegicheezu/pseuds/aegicheezu
Summary: Christmas holidays, 2017. Gackt can’t help but feel lonely around New Year’s Eve; so, he gets together with an old friend while he’s in Tokyo for the holidays in the hopes of getting rid of the winter blues. But this time, it’s Gackt that ends up saving Yoshiki.





	Even If No One Else In All The World Understands

**Author's Note:**

> *Hide is capitalized for ease of reading  
> *Title is a lyric from Gackt’s “Kimi Ga Matteiru Kara”  
> *The “fan” Yoshiki speaks of in this fic is a reference to me, when I met him in London in 2016.

_**3.07am** _

Yoshiki tossed and turned in his bed. He glared at the bedside clock and cursed under his breath – for the fourth night in a row, he had woken up from an unpleasant dream. He didn’t usually have nightmares, but for some reason, around the holidays, his sleep became fitful. He had traveled back to Japan in time for Hide’s birthday – as he had done every year since his death – to lay flowers and care for the grave, and to have what had become a ritual conversation about the year that had passed. In the beginning, he could barely speak when faced with the cold, shining marble. But it soon grew easier to speak to Hide’s spirit, and eventually it became a soothing thing. Sometimes, Yoshiki even laughed as he spoke of the events of the year. This December was no different; he and Toshi drank a beer and ate a slice of strawberry shortcake together – Hide’s favourite – and told jokes to make Hide’s spirit laugh. Despite the comfort that his yearly birthday visits usually brought him, this holiday season rested heavily on his shoulders. He sighed and blinked away tears, staring at the ceiling.

 _Why can’t I sleep well, lately?_ He wondered. He didn’t have time to ponder on the subject – his phone began to vibrate.

“Hello?” He questioned, eyes too tired to have seen who the caller was.

“Yoshi, it’s me,” a familiar voice spoke softly, groggily, on the other end. “Did I wake you?”

“No, Gacchan,” Yoshiki registered his old friend’s voice and relaxed instinctively. “I was already awake.” He sat up against a pillow and ran his free hand through his hair. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing much,” Gackt replied, sounding just as tired as the other man. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Aren’t you with your family for the holidays?”

“Yes and no. The members are with their own families this year. My brother and sister are in the city but are doing their own things. We had lunch the other day. That was all.” There was a touch of sadness in Gackt’s voice that Yoshiki picked up on, despite his fatigue.

“I’m not doing anything tomorrow,” Yoshiki spoke gently, not wanting to sound like he pitied the younger man. “We’ve wrapped up promotions and I’ll be on my own.”

“Yoshi, could we get together?”

“Of course, Gacchan,” Yoshiki smiled. There was something pleading, childlike, in Gackt’s voice. _I wonder if he’s alright?_  

In the still of the small hours of the pitch-black morning, the men made plans. Yoshiki worried about the tone of the other man’s voice, and tried to make Gackt laugh as much as possible as they spoke. Thankfully, his efforts were rewarded more than once by the other man’s soft giggle, like a glass ornament in the wind; Yoshiki was glad to hear it. Once Yoshiki put his phone down, he settled back under the covers and was at last able to sleep uninterrupted, until the morning light crept across the floor. He did not have another nightmare.

 

*  
_**10.30am**_

Yoshiki’s alarm sounded, and in one swift motion he swiped the alarm clock from its bedside perch and watched it fling itself across the floor. He smiled. Once he gathered enough strength to will himself to get up, he sat perched on the end of the bed and stared out of his window, curtains parted. Tokyo was perpetually lit up and bright, and a part of him hated that. In California at least, there were forests and mountains to distract from the bustle of the city; he loved escaping to the countryside when he grew tired of the urban sprawl. Here though, there were no trees, no waterfalls; just buildings. He sighed. _Enough of that_ , he shook his head. _Japan will always be my home, won’t it?_ He smiled again. _Now, what should I wear?_

 

*  
_**10.30am**_

Gackt blinked awake and rubbed his eyes, his fingers curled into fists. He looked at his phone that was nestled in the sheets next to him and registered what time it was. Exhaling theatrically, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and wondered whether or not there was time to squeeze in a short workout before meeting Yoshiki. He decided against it, and headed for the shower instead.

On days like today, when he had been feeling down, he loved taking extra-long showers and singing. Today, he sang his favourite X-Japan songs; he belted out _Dahlia_ as best as he could, but laughed and interrupted his singing when he couldn’t make the characteristic high notes that Toshi was known for. _Still, I sound pretty good, right?_ He mused. _I’d love to officially cover some of my favorites, one day…_ he shook his hair under the showerhead, spraying the water in all directions. _I’m so childish,_ he remarked, smiling.

He pondered what to wear for his day out with Yoshiki.

 

*  
The men had decided to meet in Ginza; the day was bright and cloudless, and they would be able to easily blend in with the crowds. They met at the train station, hugging hello. Gackt was always careful, these days, not to hug Yoshiki too hard – since his operation, he seemed so much more frail than usual. But, each time, Yoshiki would always bear-hug him back, and his fears of hurting the other man melted away.

“You look so well,” Yoshiki smiled. “I always look forward to your workout posts on Instagram.” He kept his hand on Gackt’s back.

“Really?” Gackt was touched. “They’re just something to keep me busy.” He looked at the older man. “Yoshi, you too, you look well.” _I’m glad,_ he thought. _You seem so young, like you’re going to live forever. What a nice thought._

Yoshiki self-consciously adjusted the wide velvet choker around his slim neck; Gackt rested a hand on the other man’s arm and said, “you don’t have to wear that, you know,” He smiled. “The scar has faded well.”

“I know,” Yoshiki replied, eyes downcast. “But it makes me feel better.”

Gackt understood that feeling well. “You know, it makes you look rather regal, I think.” He patted the other man’s back gently. “Shall we get something to eat?”

“Good idea. Buy me a pastry, for making me wait for you!” Yoshiki laughed. Gackt feigned a pout, but quickly agreed. The men linked arms and walked confidently into the bright day.

 

*  
“Yoshiki, you seem different today,” Gackt remarked as they walked through a crowded outdoor market, weaving through the stalls. He looked at Yoshiki from behind his blond fringe as he examined handmade stoneware. “Is something on your mind?”

Yoshiki met Gackt’s gaze. He put down the heavy polished stone cup he’d been looking at and pondered a moment before he said, “I’m not sure.”

“Not sure?”

“I’ve been feeling strange lately, I don’t know why.”

Gackt smiled warmly. “I know the holidays aren’t great for you,” he drew closer and rested a hand on the other man’s back. “Shall we go somewhere quiet?”

The pair meandered through the market until they found a small coffee shop, nestled in a quiet corner. They took a table near the back and sat close together, thighs practically interlocking under the small table. Yoshiki was glad for the extra body warmth; the café’s heat system seemed to be broken. Once they had received their coffees, they drank in silence for a moment before Yoshiki at last spoke, his voice low.

“I think I’m feeling older, lately.”

Gackt looked up at Yoshiki as he sipped his coffee. “What do you mean?” He asked. He put his cup down and stared sympathetically at the other man.

“I’m tired,” Yoshiki continued. “Every day seems like such a chore.” He looked into Gackt’s eyes and rested a hand on his. “I realized it when I visited Hide on his birthday this year. He turned 53.”

“I know,” Gackt agreed, “I know how hard it is to count birthdays of someone who isn’t here.” _Kami would be 45, if he was still here with me…_

“I’m sorry,” Yoshiki said, “I didn’t mean to make you remember.” He gave an apologetic smile.

“You didn’t,” Gackt corrected him gently, “He is always on my mind. I expect he will always be.”

“How strange, that we should both carry the souls of our dead lovers with us.” Yoshiki said softly. “The gods are so cruel.” He took a sip of his coffee and winced, as though saying out loud what he had been thinking for years had turned his drink bitter.

 _How sad, to have lost someone so vibrant and full of life. I wonder if we would all be friends, if they were alive,_ Gackt wondered.

After a moment, Yoshiki asked, “Would you like to come and visit Hide with me?”

Gackt looked surprised. His eyes asked, “really?”

“Yes, really. I’d like you to spend some time with him, if you’d like.”

Gackt thought for a moment. He took Yoshiki’s hand that had been resting on his own, and caressed the soft skin with his thumb. “Alright,” he agreed after a while. “Let’s go see Hide.”

 

*  
The hour-long train ride to Miura did not take as long as Gackt had anticipated; perhaps it was because he was making the journey with someone who traveled there often.

Once they had disembarked, their next task was to find a flower shop. Yoshiki always went to the same one, twice a year. He led Gackt through the winding streets until they stumbled upon the small shop. They greeted the florist, who seemed surprised to see Yoshiki again so soon. They chatted while Gackt collected the flowers he wanted to offer – he settled on bright pink Dahlias, to match Hide’s hair. _Just like the song, he thought happily._ The florist put together Yoshiki’s usual bouquet of white lilies and fuchsia roses.

Their next stop was to find the beer that Hide loved; this too was easy, for Yoshiki had made the same trip now nearly 50 times. _Next year will be the 20 th anniversary of your passing, my love_, he thought as he and Gackt walked out into the sunshine after buying the beers. _I’m bringing a friend today, I hope you don’t mind._

Gackt linked arms with Yoshiki supportively as they made their way to the quiet cemetery; Yoshiki seemed glad for the touch of the other man. They barely spoke; it was an automatic thing, to speak softly or not at all upon entering through the gates of such a place. Upon reaching Hide’s grave, the pair took turns laying down their flowers and praying quietly. As Yoshiki bent down to pray, Gackt rested a hand on the other man’s back and without realizing, began to rub comforting circles on his spine. When at last he was finished, Yoshiki stood close to Gackt and rested his head against the other man’s shoulder.

“Here,” he gestured, “sit with me. This is how I talk with him.” He took Gackt’s arm and sat him down on the cold marble, made colder by the season. Gackt winced a little at the shock of the cool stone, only a layer of denim to protect him. Yoshiki sat next to him and popped open the beers; one for them, and one for Hide. He placed the open bottle between their bouquets. Gackt looked at Yoshiki, waiting for permission to speak. Yoshiki nodded and smiled, encouraging him.

Gackt took a breath.

“Hide-san,” Gackt said softly, feeling the weight of the man’s name on his tongue. “Do you know me? It’s Gakuto.” He looked down at his feet, and then up at the cloudless sky. “We ran in different circles while you were alive,” he explained, “but I always admired you.” He looked over at Yoshiki, who was smiling reassuringly and nodded for him to continue. “I sing your songs, sometimes, you know. I wish I had your energy,” he laughed a little, “you were always running around on stage, it was amazing to watch.”

“Gacchan,” Yoshiki interrupted, his voice soft, “could you… could you sing one of his songs for me?” He looked hopefully at the other man. _I would love to hear his lyrics again_.

Gackt nodded, and thought about which song he should sing. He settled on his decision, cleared his throat; before beginning, he said a quiet prayer and hoped that Hide would be pleased.

“I hope it’s alright,” he said softly to the other man. Then, he began to sing.

 _Say good bye, just good bye_  
 _To all your worries good bye_  
 _Say good bye, just good bye_  
 _Without fear of change, good bye_  
  
_Just walking aimlessly_  
 _Good bye to the treasures of exhausted days_  
 _Going on, the signposts_  
 _The same as that first wind_  
  
_If you can't find a way_  
 _The many winding roads_  
 _Shade your eyes from the sky, round & round_  
 _Feeling scared about an unknown land_  
 _Asking the tiny song_  
  
_Please songs, tell me true_  
 _No matter where I go_  
 _Your melody'll keep on playing_  
 _Someday again, even when I get lost on my own_  
 _If I can hear it, I can walk on merrily._  
  
_Say good bye, just good bye_  
 _Without fear of gettin' hurt good bye_  
 _Let's throw away all the feelings_  
 _That we can't hold in our hands._  
  
_Please songs, tell me true_  
 _No matter where I go_  
 _Your melody'll keep on playing_  
 _Even if one day I lose my way_  
 _If I can sing, I will walk on with grace._

As he finished the song, Gackt saw Yoshiki blinking away tears. He drew the other man close and wrapped an arm around him; unthinking, he kissed the other man’s forehead to comfort him. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have sung it.”

Yoshiki sniffled. “No, it’s okay,” he wiped his tears. “It’s okay. It sounded so beautiful, in your voice. I haven’t heard that song in such a long time.” He looked at the other man, patting his eyes dry. “You sang it so beautifully, I almost forgot that Hide was gone.” He rested his head in the crook of Gackt’s neck. “Thank you. It was beautiful. I think… I think I needed to hear his words again.”

Gackt was touched. He felt guilty for a moment – singing the words of another man’s lover, what a uniquely strange feeling. _But,_ he thought, _if it brings even a little comfort to him, then it’s okay._

“Hide,” Yoshiki spoke again after steadying himself. “Wasn’t that nice?” He looked up at the sky. “Gacchan has one of the loveliest voices. Have you been listening, from heaven? He’s done so well for himself.”

Gackt blushed at the praise. “Don’t say that, I feel like a teenager coming home from university!” He couldn’t help laughing a little.

Yoshiki looked lovingly at Gackt. “It’s true, you know.”

“What is?”

“That your voice is lovely,” he explained. “You remember, when we formed S.K.I.N, how excited I was to get to work with you.”

“Ah, yes,” Gackt laughed. “Too bad that project didn’t really go anywhere, in the end.” _What a shame, too,_ he thought. _I enjoyed all the time we spent together._

“Maybe,” Yoshiki ventured, looking up at the other man, “maybe we could work together some time, just you and I?”

Gackt smiled, suddenly feeling a pleasant warmth in his throat. “Yeah,” he agreed. “I was thinking about that before, actually. I’d love that.”

They shared a comfortable silence for a moment, listening to the quiet sounds of the cemetery.

“Hide,” Yoshiki turned his attention back to the sky, sitting upright. “This coming year, you will have been in heaven for 20 years. It’s a big anniversary,” he smiled. “We will commemorate you well, I promise.”

Gackt smiled. _How sweet he is_ , he thought. _Watching him speak to Hide so softly, I feel like I’m trespassing._

Yoshiki continued, “Everyone is doing okay. Toshi was here with me a few weeks ago, we ate your favourite cake. Do you remember? It wasn’t long ago.” He smiled. “Recently, things are picking up. I’m touring a lot, for the movie. Everyone still loves you so much, even people born after you left us.” He thought for a moment, remembering something. “You know, Hide, a fan in London gave me a message. She said that your voice and your music saved her life. She was depressed and she had tried to kill herself many times, but listening to X, and listening to your songs, we saved her. She told me how much you still mean to her, and she hopes that you are resting well in heaven.” He paused. “You still impact so many people.” Yoshiki felt tears begin to form as he spoke those words, and let them fall. He was beyond displays of shyness with Gackt now. Through the tears, he continued, “She held my hands so tightly, and crying, she told me how much she loved you. And how much she loved me. She said, thank you for giving me my life.” Yoshiki’s shoulders began to shake, and he started to sob. His words became unintelligible; Gackt could only make out a few words: _myself… death… so many years… I want… join you… I can’t… must live… for others… my father… my love…_

Gackt listened to the other man’s sobs, his own eyes fighting back tears. He blinked hard and tilted his head up to the sky, willing himself to stop; he could not, though, and he let the tears fall _. He really saved her life?_ He thought. _Music is such a powerful thing, isn’t it…? What can I say, in a moment like this?_

He did not know. So, he simply took Yoshiki’s hand and squeezed it. As if that were a signal, Yoshiki buried his head in Gackt’s neck, his sobs beginning to soften.

Gackt kissed the top of Yoshiki’s head again, and whispered, “I didn’t know how hard things were for you… you’ve done so well… I know, it’s been difficult…”

Yoshiki sniffled. “I’m sorry,” he said, trying to stop his tears. “I’m a mess… I’m such poor company.”

“No, no,” Gackt cooed. “You’re not. This time of year, it’s hard for a lot of people; you’re no exception.” He curled his fingers around strands of Yoshiki’s silk hair. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Yoshi.”

Yoshiki took a moment to compose himself. He tried to smile. “Shall we say some goodbye prayers and get a room somewhere? I’d like to spend some time in town,” he clocked Gackt’s questioning expression. “I’d like to spend time where Hide’s spirit lives, now.”

Gackt nodded, understanding. “That’s a good idea,” he replied sympathetically. “I’d like that.” _How beautiful he looks, even now,_ he thought. _I can’t help but be jealous of you, Hide. Is it sinful to want to be with him, when he is still carrying you in his heart? Will you even let him go?_ Gackt stroked Yoshiki’s hair and chose his next words carefully. “Yoshi,” he began, “When Kami died, I thought I would never love anyone else, ever again… but, we are only human.”

Yoshiki looked up at the other man through blurry eyes. “Gacchan…?”

“I don’t think Hide would want you to suffer so,” he kissed the top of the other man’s head. “Maybe it’s okay, to try and move on.”

Yoshiki thought for a moment. _You’ve always been so level-headed, haven’t you, Gacchan? Do you know how hard it has been for me, to be so near to you and yet so far?_ “Perhaps you are right…” He nestled further into Gackt’s body and rested a hand against Gackt’s chest. _Is this… too much?_ When Gackt did not react, he brought his hand up to his neck cradled Gackt’s head in his hand. The pair sat like that for a few moments, comfortably.

After a while, the men stood together, and bent their heads in prayer.

 _Hide,_ Yoshiki began, _loving you was the greatest joy of my life… I will carry your memory with me forever, do you know that?_ He sighed. _Do you think, with time, you would allow me to carry another in my heart?_ He glanced sidelong at Gackt, who stood praying, his eyes closed. _He’s a good man, you know. We understand each other. And I am so lonely… would you forgive me, if someone else took up residence in my heart, after almost twenty years? You are not here to wipe my tears, to comfort me in the evenings… not any more. I am lonely, Hide. Say you’ll forgive me._

Gackt’s eyes remained closed while he prayed, his head bent. _Hide-sama,_ he said, _the world has changed so much since you left it. Have you been watching over us? Over your members too, from heaven? See how well Yoshiki has done, leading the band. If I am honest, Hide-sama, I have loved Yoshiki for a long time. As a colleague, as a brother… as a man, too. Please do not be cross with me. I lost someone I loved, almost twenty years ago. I have not allowed myself to love anyone. But our Yoshiki… he has helped me overcome so much. So of course, it follows, doesn’t it? That I love him. Please don’t curse me, from heaven. Would you give a sign, to say that it’s okay? I worry about him… I wish for his sake that he is able to move on. I could not bear to lose him. His spirit is so heavy, with the memories of all that has happened in his life. I want him to be happy… with me. Send a sign to us._

Yoshiki finished praying before Gackt; he stood upright, resting his hand on the ledge of Hide’s headstone. _I love you,_ he said. _I always will. Would you allow me to love another, one day?_ He bowed deeply and stepped back, and placed a hand gently on the small of Gackt’s back, waiting for him to finish. When he felt the touch of the other man, Gackt knew that Yoshiki must be finished praying, so he too, concluded. He bowed deeply towards the grave as Yoshiki had done, stepped back, and sighed. The men looked at each other, the cold air turning their breath into smoke.

“Shall we go, Gacchan?” Yoshiki smiled a little. “Thank you, for coming. I have only ever been here on my own, or with other members. It’s nice to share it with you.”

Gackt smiled back. “Thank you for bringing me here, Yoshi,” he agreed, “I had some things to tell him, it turns out. I’m glad I was given that chance.” He felt emboldened by his prayer, and tentatively reached for Yoshiki’s hand. Without reacting, Yoshiki allowed Gackt to lace his fingers with his own. “Let’s go, Yoshi.”

Yoshiki looked down at the other man’s hand in his own. “Yes,” he agreed, “Let’s go.”

 

*  
They did not walk hand in hand for long; just until they reached the gates of the cemetery. But even that was enough; Gackt could feel his heartbeat quicken as Yoshiki absentmindedly ran his thumb over his palm. _Do you feel the same way about me, or is this touch just a gesture of comfort?_ He wondered. Of course, over the years, they had come close – the men relied on each other for creative inspiration, and that often meant a lot of drinking and late nights; but nothing had ever happened. They even slept in the same bed fairly often, when it was too cold outside to go back to their own home after a night out; neither man was shy when it came to affection. How many mornings had they woken up, hungover and spooning? Over the years, Gackt had lost count. _I wonder if tonight will be different, with him._

Though they had ceased holding hands once back on the street and in public, the pair still waked close enough that the sleeves of their jackets rustled and their fingers grazed each other. They settled on a small, traditional inn facing the ocean. “It’s off-season, so it shouldn’t be booked up,” Yoshiki had remarked, confidently. What a shock it was to find that there was only one room available!

“We get lots of families over the holidays,” the innkeeper explained, “people like to come home from the big cities. Will you mind terribly if you have to share?”

The pair said of course not, sharing would be fine – even preferable, really. The whole point of the trip was to spend time together and rest.

The innkeeper led the men up to their room; they were pleased to see they had a wonderful view of the ocean and the beach. Leaving them alone at last, Gackt lay himself on the soft tatami mats.

“Are you terribly tired?” Yoshiki asked, concerned.

“Just a little,” Gackt answered honestly. “Come, lie down. It’s been a long day.”

Yoshiki obeyed, and lay next to Gackt. The pair stared at the ceiling in silence for a while. Yoshiki rolled a little closer to Gackt and rested his head on the other man’s chest. _I hope he can’t hear my heart beating quickly,_ Gackt thought, worried. He breathed deeply to try and calm his heart. He could smell the cologne Yoshiki wore; it suited him. He told him so – Yoshiki smiled, and invited Gackt to smell his wrist. Despite the intimacy of the scene, Yoshiki couldn’t help but laugh a little.

“What is it?” Gackt asked.

“It’s nothing,” Yoshiki replied, “You looked cute, just then.”

“Hey, I’m not cute,” Gackt pretended to be hurt, and gently punched Yoshiki’s shoulder. “I’m a grown man.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Yoshiki let up. “Do you want to get some drinks?”

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

The pair helped each other up and called for an attendant to bring them beer and sake for the evening.

“I wish you had your guitar with you, Gacchan,” Yoshiki mused, “You could have played something for us.”

Gackt smiled cockily and wiggled his phone at Yoshiki. “We have these, nowadays, remember?” He joked. “What do you want to listen to?”

And so, they playfully argued over what music to listen to while they waited for their drinks to arrive.

 

*  
Hours passed; the moon began to climb in the still-blue sky. Gackt looked out the large window and observed the sun and moon, sharing the sky together.

“Like the sun and moon’s game of hide and seek, you’d never catch me,” Yoshiki sing-songed.

“What?” Gackt turned to look at the other man.

“It’s a line in one of Hide’s songs; ‘around my love, melancholia goes round and round, spread out and sync again boys and girls, it’s like the sun and moon’s game of hide and seek, you’d never catch me.’ It’s one of my favorites that he did while he was solo.” He smiled and refiled Gackt’s cup of sake. “I’m sorry to mention him so much, Gacchan. He’s always on my mind at this time of year.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Yoshi,” Gackt replied sweetly _. I wonder if that’s Hide’s way of telling Yoshiki to let him go…?_ Taking a sip of his drink, he asked hesitantly, wondering if it was alright, “Yoshiki, do you think… do you think you’ll ever be able to love again?”

Yoshiki met Gackt’s soft eyes. He studied the other man’s face for a moment before answering, “I don’t know. But,” he slid a little closer to Gackt and rested his head on his shoulder, “I’d like to think that one day, it will be alright to love another.”

“Yoshi,” Gackt began, cautiously. “Kami’s death still stays with me; we were never able to say goodbye to each other. Truthfully, it’s only recently that I’ve begun to think that it’s okay to open my heart again.”

Yoshiki’s round eyes fixed onto the other man’s calm face, and he stared up at him through long lashes. _He has such a pretty profile_ , he thought as he watched the younger man. “I know how hard it was for you, Gacchan.” He sighed deeply. “Maybe one day, we’ll be alright. One day it will be okay, for us to love again.”

Gackt nudged Yoshiki, making him meet Gackt’s gaze. The pair sat looking at each other in silence. “When?” Gackt asked, his voice shaking imperceptibly. _Am I crazy to try and cross this line, today of all days…? What if I’m completely wrong…_

Yoshiki put down his sake and pressed his forehead to Gackt’s.

“Gacchan,” he whispered. “Is this what you mean…?” The space between their lips felt like a mile. Yoshiki rested a hand on top of the younger man’s, and kept his forehead against his, almost frozen in place, waiting for Gackt to make his move.

Slowly, Gackt reached for Yoshiki’s cheek and cradled the other man’s face in his free hand. His skin felt like it was on fire where he touched the other man. _Why do I feel like I’m about to cry?_

Yoshiki closed his eyes at the touch of Gackt’s skin against his face. _Maybe this is alright, after all…_ He opened his eyes to find Gackt looking back at him, lovingly.

“Gacchan, I…” Yoshiki began, unsure of what to say next. He looked at the other man, his eyes searching for an answer. Gackt smiled and gently pressed a kiss to Yoshiki’s trembling lips. Yoshiki closed his eyes and melted into the other man. _Is this… alright?_ He wondered. He reached out and held the back of Gackt’s neck and deepened the kiss.

Gackt let a soft sigh pass through his lips. Is this really… happening? He breathed in the scent of Yoshiki’s cologne and ran a hand through the other man’s hair. _He tastes sweet… is that possible? He is so gentle…_ Reaching to caress the other man’s face, Gackt felt tears on Yoshiki’s cheek. He opened his eyes and gently broke the kiss. Yoshiki was silently crying.

“Yoshi, what’s wrong?” Gackt whispered. He wiped the other man’s cheek. “What have I done?”

Yoshiki shook his head. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Gacchan. I don’t know why I’m crying.” He wiped his eyes. “I have not kissed another man in almost twenty years.” Gackt drew the other man close and hugged him tightly.

“It must have been difficult for you…” He cooed. “It’s alright.” He rested his chin atop Yoshiki’s head and rubbed his back. “What should we do about this, now… you and I?” Gackt’s voice was calm, but inside he worried. _Did I push too far? I’m sorry Yoshiki… you were not ready._

“Gacchan,” Yoshiki whispered against Gackt’s lips, “I want to be here, with you…” He held the other man’s gaze. “I want… you to stay by my side.” He smiled a little. “I want to be able to love again.”

Gackt’s whole body felt warm at Yoshiki’s confession. He kissed Yoshiki’s forehead. “Then I will stay by your side,” he said at last, taking Yoshiki’s face in his hands. “Even if no one else in all the world understands, I will stay by your side.” He kissed Yoshiki’s lips again. “You have always been there for me, through everything. Now, let me do the same.” Yoshiki smiled and kissed Gackt’s cheek. The pair sat looking at each other for a moment before Yoshiki kissed Gackt lovingly, to the pleasant surprise of the younger man.

“I didn’t expect that,” Gackt said. He smiled warmly. He rested his head against Yoshiki’s neck.

“Neither did I,” Yoshiki admitted. “Gacchan, you’re so special to me.” He ruffled the other man’s hair. “I have always thought so. And I think, deep down, I have always loved you in my own way.”

“Yoshi?” Gackt questioned. _I don’t want to press him… did he just say he loves me?_ He looked up at the older man.

“I have been so weighed down by the memory of Hide,” Yoshiki explained softly. “I could not see what was right in front of me, for so many years.” He stroked Gackt’s hair as he spoke. “Coming here with you today helped me really see clearly… I’m sorry, Gacchan.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Gackt replied, “Though, I am glad that my own feelings were not one-sided, after all this time.”

Another kiss.

 

*  
The next morning, it was Gackt that awoke first. He felt something on his chest; it was a very deeply sleeping Yoshiki. He smiled. _How innocent and calm he looks like this_ , Gackt observed. _It has been some time since I felt so relaxed. Maybe because it’s him…_

The cold morning light filtered through the papered walls, casting a gold glow across their bodies. Looking at the older man in the gilded light, Gackt smiled. _How lucky I am,_ he thought.

Yoshiki began to stir. He sighed a little and blinked awake, and upon registering the presence of the other man, he smiled wide. Flustered by how gentle Yoshiki looked in that moment, Gackt fought a rising blush. _Don’t look at me like that_ , he begged. _Those eyes of yours…_

Yoshiki stretched, and slid closer to Gackt. He kissed him good morning. Gackt wrapped his arms around him, and they lay quietly together for a few moments.

Yoshiki began to hum one of Gackt’s first songs, _Kimi Ga Oikaketa Yume._ Upon realizing what tune it was, Gackt began to sing softly, stroking Yoshiki’s hair.

 

 _On nights when you're shaking I'll hold you,  
_ _so stop making that sad face and  
_ _please show me your smile,  
_ _that smile that is more lovely to me than anyone else's.  
_ _I remember even now  
_ _that there is no forever here.  
_ _With sad eyes I continued to stare after those who disappeared._

 _“There's no one who'll ride in a car without breaks,” I whispered  
_ _You looked down and tried to act strong, and I just pulled you close and held you tight.  
_ _If it's a dream you want to make come true,  
_ _don't just look down and cry.  
_ _On nights when you can't sleep, I'll be by your side  
_ _until you can dream.  
_ _Don't be so embarrassed,  
_ _please show me your smile,  
_ _that smile that is more lovely to me than anyone else's._

 _If it's a dream you want to make come true,  
_ _don't just look down and cry._

 _On nights when you can't sleep, I'll be by your side  
_ _until you can dream.  
_ _Don't be so embarrassed,  
_ _please show me your smile,  
_ _that smile that is more lovely to me than anyone else's.  
_ _That smile._


End file.
